The Last Three Years

I’ve spent the better part of the last three years in a relationship. One lasted for almost two years, one for only three months, but both caused a change in me and a shift in my life.

When you fall in love at 18 and give everything you have plus two years of your life you think it will be enough. But sometimes it isn’t and that’s okay. When you fall in love again, with someone who sweeps you off your feet and tells you what your future together holds, the excitement builds. It shatters you when somehow everything you gave was not enough, once again.

*I want to be clear that these are my thoughts and perspective‘s on these relationships. I don’t pretend to know or understand how they feel or felt, so please, be gracious in your judgments. Also just calling them 1 and 2 because it doesn’t matter.*

Walking away from love is never easy. Whether it be 2 years or 3 months, it doesn’t particularly matter how long, it always hurts. Whether you ended it, or they did, or it was “mutual,” it always, always leaves a mark.

I talk pretty freely about my relationships and about the two guys who changed me for the better. I don’t want to forget the last three years and the laughter and the good times. I don’t want to forget the fights and arguments and all of the things that I learned because of them. On the bad days I feel like I wish God would take the memories so it would stop hurting, and I find myself wishing I had never met 1 because then I wouldn’t have met 2 either. But then I remember that I wouldn’t be who I am today without them both, without the last three years, without all the fights and good times and all of it. Because without it I would cease to exist as I am now, and I think God has worked pretty hard on me.

A few months after 1 and I started dating my friends told me it was really nice that I had learned how to go with the flow more - I’ve never met a more relaxed person than him. He lives in a constant state of chill, simply because he can. His life hasn’t been easy, nor does he have a reason to be relaxed all the time, but he just is. He trusts God with the little things, the mundane things, with timing, and was never afraid to tell me to just take a breath and enjoy our time. He always told me to live in the now and stop trying to wish for the future all the time. He taught me how to laugh at myself and how to make new friends. He forced me out of my shell and introduced me to some precious friends. He gave me so much good and I wouldn’t trade that to get rid of the hurt and the pain and the sadness that followed him.

2 taught me how to be positive, how to always look for the bright side, and to never speak ill of others. It seems like such a basic, obvious thing, but for some reason it was always something that I struggled with and he was so patient with me. He taught me how to be confident in myself and put my best foot forward. He taught me about studying God’s Word and putting my faith to the test. I lost myself for awhile after 1, and 2 was the person who put me back together and helped me find myself again. I’ll never be able to thank him enough for that.

Both men taught me how to argue well, how to defend my beliefs with scripture, and how to be gracious when I’m wrong.

I learned how to apologize. I did it a lot because I messed up a lot.

They both taught me a lot about myself, about relationships, about God, and about love.

I’ve recently spent a lot of time feeling guilty for loving these two people. Most of my friends married their first boyfriend and it’s a little hard not to feel like I somehow failed where love is concerned when I begin to compare myself with those around me. But truth be told, things didn’t work out for a reason. Sometimes I have no idea what that reason is, but I know it must be there. God must somehow want more for me than to spend my life with either of those men. Both wonderful, godly, servant hearted men who loved me and I loved, but for one reason or another, God said no.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

“It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” Right after both breakups I said this quote was a load of tripe. But a few months out the pain is a lot less and I think I’ve begun to get a better picture of what loving and losing really looks like. Without loving there is no learning, there is no growth, no change. Losing the ones we love just means that God has something different or something better waiting for us. I’ve lost friends, family, boyfriends, and more. It never gets easier, but I’m learning that losing people is a part of life and God’s plan ultimately. Losing someone can’t hold us back from loving in the first place.

There are so many scriptures that speak of love and each time I love someone new I learn a lot. And I don’t mean solely in a romantic way. 1 Corinthians 13 is the love chapter, and it says,

“If I have not love than I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.”

What does that mean? It means that without love we are just empty noise, nothing we say or do really holds much weight. God tells us that the greatest commandments are to love God with all our hearts, souls, and minds. Right after loving God is loving our neighbors as ourselves. (Matthew 22:36-40)

Ephesian 4 says,

“With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love.”

We’re commanded to be humble and gentle, patient and kind, and to bear one another in love. We are told to be there for each other, to love each other, and so much more. There are countless scriptures on this subject but the constant through it all is love.

Christ’s love for us is the ultimate love and that’s what each of us is striving for.

So what’s the point of this long memorandum? The point is that love is important, and loving someone and then losing them is okay. The point is closure and moving on. Having been in multiple relationships doesn’t make me a failure. It doesn’t make me broken or worthless or bad at love. It means that in the last three years I’ve learned, changed, and grown more than I thought possible and God was working through it all. He still is. Something wonderful is just around the bend and something beautiful is occurring right now. God’s will is greater than my own, His plan infinitely better. This is what I’m striving for: His will, His plan, and contentment and patience while it unfolds before me.

xo,

Ais

“Godliness with contentment is great gain.” 1 Timothy 6:6